Love Gridlock : When we stop listening
They say you are most pensive when you're half asleep. I will probably need pegs to hold my lids open but my brain has a mind of its own. I am very sleepy writing this post. So a dear friend of mine sent me an article on “How to keep love going strong”, http://bit.ly/2kHXOM9 . I didn't want to read it at first but as usual, during those mindless rounds you do on your phone you end up reading anyway. In any case, Love others, isn't really on my list right now. All hail the Self-love campaign.
Anyway, it turned out to be worth the read regardless. What stood out for me most was the point about overcoming gridlock i.e. Communicating better.
Now I find that there are many people who agree that finding the key to communicating is a big step to maintaining peace in any relationship. Not love, not gifts, it’s communication.
From my own glorious series of mistakes with men, I think it's easy to say I have figured out, the hard way, that if you and your partner are expressive or vocal, you aren't necessarily communicating effectively. In most encounters, I see that what you are really trying to say can be easily misconstrued by how you say it and when you say it. I am sure we already know this. But what we don’t pay attention to is the real import that is mostly left unsaid. We miss it most of the time.
For example, the phrase “I don't want to talk about it now” is simply mental agony for most men because it is pretty similar to to ask them the difference between beige and tan. I know this well because, I say that a lot and i never get the desired reaction. There’s a likelihood that a phrase like that would mean, "I am angry and I don't want to speak to you right now" depending on how it's said. The reaction to this would be to likely to either ask inane questions because they are simply at a loss or to simply let you be until you are ready to talk.
A woman’s comeback to these two different trajectories would be to get more frustrated with the seeming lack of tact shown by the man or more hurt he isn’t trying hard enough to make her feel more secure.
See? There is simply no progression from there.
If we are true to ourselves, most women would admit there is always the underlying meaning, which is what's actually being said.
"I don't want to talk about it" ="I am hurting/afraid/pissed off and if I starting talking this might not end well. I'm trying to figure out how to speak to you without losing control"
I find that in arguments, the real truths aren't said. We are reactionary, biting and scratching to save face, to be right and to be justified.
Most guys understand this as “She is upset about something and 1. I am really not in the mood to discuss this now or I am going to leave her to decide when she wants to talk.”
Let’s just say while I completely believe this is actually a better route. Most Women tend to see this as a lack of care or tact in their male counterparts.
At the end, arguments are just tiresome and a futile attempt to be heard by each party. No one wants to back down and no one wants to be wrong.
So I decided, if I have a pretty good estimate of how worked i can get in a disagreement with someone i care about, I am going to always try and ask:
1.Are you upset? If yes, I would rather we talk about it later.
2. I do not like how I am feeling and I am not in the right state of mind to talk about this.Can do this later?
The trick is to actually mean and stick to what you say. It’s not fair to throw your partner in a state of confusion if he has the inability to read between the lines or pick up on what could be wrong with you.
Frankly, who wants to remain upset all the time anyways? It’s the pride that really keeps us holding on.
So next time you find yourself in Love gridlock, do not try to fight your way through, you won’t listen and you won’t be heard.
Stop, breathe and step away to communicate better another day! Hey, that rhymes!